Well its been like a year since I’ve been on this site. A lot has happened omg. I’ll hit all the bullet points that I can. It’s amazing how much life a person can live in a year. Doesn’t seem real sometimes. I moved up north in July of 2017. Lied to my family that I finished school so they would be happy seeing me. Which didn’t last long. My story crumbled and they were not happy. Ran away to stay with my drug addicted sister who realized something was wrong with me and Baker acted me(sectioned up north of that lingo is more familiar). Stayed for 11 days and was released to my other my siblings. I met 2 amazing people in the hospital and we bonded tightly. I mean hell they already saw me at my worse. To this day I stay in contact with one of them. So I got out and stayed with my brother. Things just seemed tense and money became an issue, of course and rightly so. Got hired at Dunkin donuts and lasted an amazing 3 days before I just couldn’t handle it emotionally. I knew the life I was leading at that point was a lie and I needed out. About a week or so after I purchased a plane ticket and flew back to Florida. Now my aunt and uncle raised me after my parents died and I never even told them I moved. They didn’t find out until I landed in the hospital and called them out of desperation. But out of love they let me move back in after my abrupt move. The plan was that I was supposed to go back to school and finish what I abandoned and work. Well I went back to work and that went super but school took a back burner again and I dropped out. Decided to use all that extra income and free time to sleep with my boss and get drunk. Surprisingly, my aunt and uncle asked me to leave. So that brings us to December of 2017. I moved in with a friend and her family. I never knew dysfunction in a house until then. I grew even more emotionally unstable and lost my job. Sleeping with anyone I met my self esteem just grew worse. My friends house burned down thanks to her son and a lighter, it was a total accident but devastating nonetheless. So I did the logical thing and moved in with my drug dealer and stayed in his couch and sometimes in my car when I needed to be away. By June things had gotten so bad i was living in my car full time and hooking up with guys just to have a place to stay for a few hours. I know its pathetic and manipulative but i was surviving not living. Thought I could find a loophole in this life and get a sugar daddy off a website and thought I did. He told me he loved me and all that bullshit and promised me the world but all he did was deposit bad checks in my banking account and force me to close it down. I went to an aa meeting and met a man. He really cared for me and took me away from all my misery the last few months. I stayed with him almost every night for a few months. He actually gave a damn if I did well in this life and wanted me to achieve. I think he might have been the catalyst to the change my life took. He helped me to care about me. In July, I applied for a part time job and got hired. That is where fate was finally on my side. I fell in love. And I’m still in love. Its April now and me and my man are still together. He has seen me through it all. I’ll write about him in a different post but he’s vital to my life now. And now I’m looking to buy a house and hell what a process that is. It’s been a year and I don’t even think this post covers everything. There is so much to say and comment on. I’ll break it up over different posts. Guys I’m glad to be back in your presence. Reach out to me.
So I’ve been gone for quite a while but shit has been changing fast. My head can’t keep up. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. There’s still love between us but I needed to venture out and find myself. I moved out of our place and realized I had nowhere to go so I would drive around for hours at night to waste the time and, unfortunately, my gas. Finally, got in contact with a friend and now I’m staying with her. Living with a friend always seemed like a glorious idea, but now that I’m here its a bit uncomfortable. I love her but I feel like an alien. It’s not my own space and I feel like I’m in the way. She always reassures me that it’s kosher but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m overstepping some boundary. Then their is the subject of jobs. I finally finished all my classes and am on the externship part. I had a great place but was so unfocused that they asked me not to come back. Apparently, attendance is really important. I’m planning on moving up north to be with family, but I’m told that’s impulsive and I should have a plan. I just want to go. So in my head the impulsive, fuck it part of my head is like just run; and the logical part is telling me to get a job and have a plan. In the middle of all this I’m trying to figure out who I am. My identity is so obscure that I feel like a ball of clay that kind of resembles a person. So there you go. That’s the update.
So I bought a new outfit (shorts, tank top, and button down shirt; not buttoned) and I tried it on at home and my mirror told me I was hot and flawless. Well truth be told my mirror is a lying bitch because the bathroom at the local library told me that my legs look like cottage cheese and I should live in solitary confinement forever . So, I’m sad.
During my first week at my new job, my boss came in with an aura that was detectable three states away. Unfortunately, I was in Cruella DE Vil’ s war path because she came right up to me and just glared into my worried face. Mommy Dearest told me that somebody, the night before, had not cleaned properly, and the She- Devil had received complaints from her superiors. Being that I was new, she of course, blamed me. I was reprimanded with a write up and threatened that if it happened again, I was off the crew- permanently. As a result, I was scared and angry because it took me months to find this job, and I was going to lose it. The whole day after that, I was in a horrible mood and it carried over into the next few days. That tyrant expressed that I should change my attitude quickly or there would be consequences. I started to do some research on how to make myself happier in the “face of adversity;” after much exploration, I found three definite ways to cheer myself up and face the day with a smile. All that I needed was a little effort on my part and ten minutes of my day.
Being around people that I know is an effective way to boost my happy hormones. Although I am an introvert, I still need to feel connected to others because it is vital for my overall state of mind. When I am in a funk, the first thing I want to do is isolate myself; however, that perpetuates my negativity. Consequently, I am conscious of the fact that seclusion causes me to overthink circumstances and leads me into the never-ending realm of anxiety and fear. My remedy for this disease is to surround myself with nonchalant people who distract me. Nowadays, loneliness is not appealing, and I prefer to take in people’s good vibes. There is something to be said about solitary confinement being a punishment and not a reward.
In my life, I have many reasons to be churlish; however, I also have an absurd number of reasons to be grateful. The idea of being grateful for things in my life did not strike me as a useful means to becoming happy, but I was mistaken. Normally, I just want to complain about everything that has gone wrong, but that just keeps me trapped in the misery that lives in my mind. I lost my parents eleven years ago, and even though society permits me to wallow in grief and be depressed, I cannot allow that. I’ve tried that route, and it just gets me deeper and deeper into the darkness. Although being sad is normal after a trauma like that, I will not grow as a person if I stay in that mindset. My parents would not want that for me. There are many days I do not want to try, but I get up and I find a reason to move on: if not for me, then for my parents.
I have found that having things go wrong in my life is the best thing to happen to me because it forces me to appreciate all the good. I am appreciative that my family is dysfunctional and childish because they show me what I do not want to become. I could very well dwell on the fact that my family is the opposite of everything I want and need, but that would only make me miserable. Therefore, I have learned to accept them for who they are and be content with whatever choices they make. Many people are alone in this world, and I am lucky enough to be a part of a family that loves me. No, they’re not perfect, but they are mine. Maybe I can’t choose which family I am born into, but I can choose to be thankful for the one I have. Being thankful for the people and situations in my life that have caused me heartache is an essential tool I learned to ward off negativity. The decision to appreciate all that I have in my life is depression’ s kryptonite. It is impossible to have self pity and gratitude at the same time. I choose gratitude because it makes seeing the positive so much easier. That is a rare gift, and I plan to hold on tight.
Music is the key to my emotions. Whatever I play, that’s what I become. Driving in my car is when I am most vulnerable to unscrupulous thoughts; I am alone for hours running over every small detail of my day. That small, worn-out space is filled with ample opportunities of worse case scenarios, impending doom, and self-loathing kind of thinking. The greatest weapon I possess is the car radio. All I have to do is turn the volume on maximum, roll my windows down, and forget the world exists. I find that after jamming out to The Who and Queen for an hour, my body and mind are invigorated; any conundrums that have blocked me that day all of a sudden have a solution. I feel as though my mind has catapulted through layers of human understanding via questioning, and I finally have arrived at knowingness. Music takes me out of my current situation and elevates my thinking to a higher understanding. It is at that place all worries dissipate, and I can focus on finding resolutions to my issues. Plato once said that “music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything.” Those words are still true today.
Eleanor Roosevelt said that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is my truth. Every time I have allowed my boss, or anyone, to make me feel badly, I was essentially resigning my power. No more was I going to allow myself to be manipulated by my own negative feelings. Implemting these three methods into my life was the most beneficial service I could have done for me. Because of this, I have become my own hero.
When I came into work the week following the episode with my boss, my attitude and outlook were transformed. All the nagging my boss threw at me did not discourage my behavior or work ethic. Whenever I was asked to do tedious tasks, such as cleaning the floor boards, I would smile and agree. I felt that my manager was trying to test how far she could irritate me until I revolted, but I refused to give that wonderful human being a reason to terminate me. I vowed to turn around my manger’ s awful opinion about me. Anytime the enemy would give me side glances, or say under-the-breath comments about something I did wrong, I would just ignore them and continue my work. After a while, my boss and I started to create a friendly work relationship. She would say a teasing remark to me, and I would respond with a quip of my own. We became friends. I realized that while I was trying to sustain a positive attitude, I was actually remodeling my whole brain structure. I was no longer responding the way I used too. The anger was no longer staying with me days after altercations; I wasn’t rehashing arguments meticulously in my head, trying to come up with good comebacks. I was free from the bondage. I took back my power and now it’s up to me to decide what I do with it. I believe that this whole journey was not just about keeping my job, but also about discovering who I am. The woman I am now is strong, intelligent, thoughtful, and reflective. I do not react to people and situations, but rather, reflect and try to understand. I am a better person because I acknowledged my faults and worked hard to correct them. My weaknesses do not define me anymore because I accept them and I work with them- not against.
I went to ikea today and now u want to have a big house, about 4 kids, pets, and a husband. Just so I can decorate. That place is so cool. Omg I could just live there..
keep searching for Truth
I’m currently in school and I have a teacher that inspires me. I haven’t felt inspired in a long time. I feel that she actually cares about my future. Because she cares, so do I. Do you have any idea how precious and rare that it is? I care, I finally care what happens to me. That’s a fucking miracle. She’s not reading this but I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking an interest. Thank you to any teacher out there that gives a shit about their students. You guys are the real unrecognized heroes. Keep it up because it does matter.
keep searching for Truth